A Deep Breath - 33 Weeks

 I had my 32 week ultrasound last week and everything looks good. Clark weighs 4.2 pounds and has hair and chubby little cheeks.

His femur length is just a bit short, but other than that, the placenta looks good, his head size looks good, his heartbeat looks good...it just all looks good.

So why don't I feel more reassured? I have moved on from the idea that he could come too early and now my nightmares are about stillbirth. My husband shares my fears. He won't get out of bed in the morning until Clark kicks at his hand. I am stopping my work several times a day to consciously note a kick or a push or a job - anything that will create a milestone for myself so when I have a moment of "when was the last time I felt him?" I can answer my own question.

In "normal pregnancy news," I can report a lot of pressure on my cervix and the nerves in my legs. I passed the glucose tolerance test but found I have a vitamin D deficiency.  I am nesting and I know it.

If my choppy writing style is making you dizzy, know that it is also a condition of my pregnancy. My brain is fried. I can't focus - to the point where I left my cell phone at home today and last week I made toast and forgot to eat it. I'm never hungry until I start eating and then I just can't get enough food. I crave milk, but only very fresh, very cold milk or I can't tolerate it. Everything gives me heartburn. I am exhausted ALL THE TIME.

Clark's room is nearly done - just the details to work out with artwork and storage. We have enough "stuff" that if he came tomorrow, we could work it out.

My baby shower was really quite lovely after all. Everyone behaved themselves - even the weepy auntie who loves to shower us with her aggressive condolences and the somewhat surly auntie who projects a thinly-veiled ideal that my grief is about getting attention. My mother-in-law's talents were displayed perfectly with wonderful food and baked goods. There were about 25 people there and it was just small enough for my comfort zone.

So that's that - 33 weeks and little emotional comfort. I have a room full of baby stuff planned for one special little man in December. But I just can't shake the thought that this can't be true, it can't be happening, and I can't help but wonder what comes next.