Today I had a breakdown over salad and soup at Bob Evan's restaurant.
There was nothing wrong with my soup. I was eating and watching Clark sleep in his car seat when tears overcame me. There are these moments when it just hits me; the overwhelming loss for John and Drew slammed up against the overwhelming blessing of Clark.
This isn't always a general feeling of love and loss. Actually, it usually starts when my mind travels back to micro memory - a tiny snippet of a larger crushing moment. Today's STUG was brought on as I was thinking of John's funeral. I had wrapped his tiny marble urn in a soft fleece blanket and I had to hand the bundle over to be placed in the vault. I actually hugged the bundle just before I handed it over and I was overwhelmed by how cuddly it was. I had been holding a hard urn for weeks...and that moment with the blanket was the closest I ever came to snuggling with a soft baby.
Watching Clark snuggled in a blanket, knowing that he is mine to hold, just did me in. This nbcn line between living children and dead children is going to be tough to toe.
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